Feeling trapped

So I've been grip-locked into a perfect trap set by Satan. This has been there my entire life it seems. I have no confidence in my abilities so I don't try and when I don't try I don't gain any ability. Even if I try a little I don't try very hard and give up when the thought enters my head that I can't do it. This has been an ongoing cycle and has made me nearly worthless I feel. So it seems like the cycle continues because I don't feel good enough and maybe I am not. Then why am I not? Was it my own choosing not to do anything? I'm always quick to pass it off to something else so the blame doesn't rest on me and hurt my feelings. Now factor in pride, perfectionism, defensiveness, laziness, excuses-making; all having me locked up tighter in satan's snare. Yes, it feels hopeless. It feels like I'm too far gone. My very sinful flesh screams out for me to stay here and do nothing.

I'm not saying this to make you feel sorry for me. I'm saying this to account what I've fallen for and what I've destroyed because of how I feel. I have nothing to fall back on. Where I am right now and what attending college for is my only hope for a future, that I can see. I am only here because God led me by the hand like a little child every step of the way. Now He is asking me to grow up. Again my fleshly sin screams against me typing these very words and is fighting to keep me held down, a slave to itself. There is a loud part of me doesn't want to grow up, but when it becomes sinful then God has to deal with it. This mindset of feeling is poisoning my future and my hope of life abundantly. Satan keeps telling me lie after lie to keep me in this web. To think how simple it is to get out; throw off all of the lies, kill off my sin-flesh and take ahold of God's hand waiting for me to pull me out. I am the only one standing between me and freedom. The only one keeping me from accepting God's love and the love of others. I am the only one that is keeping me from right and holy feelings instead of these sinful feelings of lies.

Calling InThe Night

Are you there God,
Or am I just talking to thin air?
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I've been through a lot these past two months. A friend of mine completely changed into a dark, hollow shadow of his former self, forsaking his loved ones for selfish pleasures. A girl I liked a lot stepped into the darkness and can never change that part of her life back. I broke (more like destroyed) my resolution less than a week into the new year. Friends around me fall into depression and darkness. People get pregnant before ready, struggle with relationships, fear for the future. All crying out in the night for hope, change, light in this darkness. Questions like "Is this life real or is it a lie?" riddle our subconscious thoughts. Where can we go to get away from all of this pain? What happens when even families have given up? Every one just passes us by. We just long for someone to reach out and care. But we are too busy pushing them away, never wanting them to get too close, afraid to get hurt deeper. Nobody hears us calling in the night. Every phone call to friends are just us wanting to talk but never letting them know why we really called. What really is on our hearts. Why can't they see us hurting and just know, why can't we let them know? Where is hope?

I think I found hope! I found it in a friend. Her husband is being unfaithful, hurtful saying he never even loved her. Going out late at night and doing who knows what. He's moved upstairs in his house. He wants a divorce. The beauty of it all is that God is telling my friend that she needs to stay in this with her husband . God is giving her hope that He will restore this relationship. She is being torn apart, worn down, heart ripped open yet she doesn't give up. She holds on to God with all of her might. She told me that if she wasn't relying on God she would be curled up on her floor crying. I have to ask, what if the person I loved with all my heart suddenly started hating me, all of the love we shared declared never even real. Yet God would give me everything I needed to stay alive and stay strong.

God is telling us we have hope if we hang onto Him. But we have to give Him our everything. We have to be willing to let everything go and place it in His capable hands. I know it can be done. One of my dear friends is doing this and it is so amazing to see God work in her life. I see God in her smile, I see God give her comfort, I see the pain but I also see hope. Whether you are struggling with premarital pregnancy, relationship hardships, breaking up of family, pain and betrayal, feeling real, feeling loved, keeping promises, having hope; just know that God is giving us hope, always.

(credit given to the band Last Day for their song "Calling In The Night" in helping me write this)