Feeling trapped

So I've been grip-locked into a perfect trap set by Satan. This has been there my entire life it seems. I have no confidence in my abilities so I don't try and when I don't try I don't gain any ability. Even if I try a little I don't try very hard and give up when the thought enters my head that I can't do it. This has been an ongoing cycle and has made me nearly worthless I feel. So it seems like the cycle continues because I don't feel good enough and maybe I am not. Then why am I not? Was it my own choosing not to do anything? I'm always quick to pass it off to something else so the blame doesn't rest on me and hurt my feelings. Now factor in pride, perfectionism, defensiveness, laziness, excuses-making; all having me locked up tighter in satan's snare. Yes, it feels hopeless. It feels like I'm too far gone. My very sinful flesh screams out for me to stay here and do nothing.

I'm not saying this to make you feel sorry for me. I'm saying this to account what I've fallen for and what I've destroyed because of how I feel. I have nothing to fall back on. Where I am right now and what attending college for is my only hope for a future, that I can see. I am only here because God led me by the hand like a little child every step of the way. Now He is asking me to grow up. Again my fleshly sin screams against me typing these very words and is fighting to keep me held down, a slave to itself. There is a loud part of me doesn't want to grow up, but when it becomes sinful then God has to deal with it. This mindset of feeling is poisoning my future and my hope of life abundantly. Satan keeps telling me lie after lie to keep me in this web. To think how simple it is to get out; throw off all of the lies, kill off my sin-flesh and take ahold of God's hand waiting for me to pull me out. I am the only one standing between me and freedom. The only one keeping me from accepting God's love and the love of others. I am the only one that is keeping me from right and holy feelings instead of these sinful feelings of lies.