If I were me then I'd be right where I am.

so ive got this feeling that comes to me from time to time that maybe i shouldnt be where i am right now in life. ive been myself through it all so i have to be right where i need to be right?  i also wonder why i use the word i and me all the time in conversations to myself and every one else. im beginning to wonder if i can even go a day without me me me. not to mention my current state of relationship with God. maybe thats why i really cant find peace of mind.  well ill save any deep thoughts for my other blog.

Future?

So I haven't written in forever but I find myself on here typing out my thoughts. I'm finishing up my time at visible school this semester and I look to the summer with uncertainty. My hopes is to form a band and start my future in music. I have so many mixed emotions about going back home. I will be glad to see everybody for a long period of time but I have already felt called out of Indy when I came to Visible and I don't know how I will feel when I go back. Living under my parents roof again will be a challenge and I hope to find a place of my own once I get solid financial footing. My girlfriend is moving to Indy as well and that brings its own mixture of happiness and worries. I am scared I will get stuck in Indy and get too comfortable there and become stagnant in pursuing my future hopes and dreams. God is doing something in my life and I can see in everything that I've said on here in this message, God telling me to trust Him and stay focused.

Feeling trapped

So I've been grip-locked into a perfect trap set by Satan. This has been there my entire life it seems. I have no confidence in my abilities so I don't try and when I don't try I don't gain any ability. Even if I try a little I don't try very hard and give up when the thought enters my head that I can't do it. This has been an ongoing cycle and has made me nearly worthless I feel. So it seems like the cycle continues because I don't feel good enough and maybe I am not. Then why am I not? Was it my own choosing not to do anything? I'm always quick to pass it off to something else so the blame doesn't rest on me and hurt my feelings. Now factor in pride, perfectionism, defensiveness, laziness, excuses-making; all having me locked up tighter in satan's snare. Yes, it feels hopeless. It feels like I'm too far gone. My very sinful flesh screams out for me to stay here and do nothing.

I'm not saying this to make you feel sorry for me. I'm saying this to account what I've fallen for and what I've destroyed because of how I feel. I have nothing to fall back on. Where I am right now and what attending college for is my only hope for a future, that I can see. I am only here because God led me by the hand like a little child every step of the way. Now He is asking me to grow up. Again my fleshly sin screams against me typing these very words and is fighting to keep me held down, a slave to itself. There is a loud part of me doesn't want to grow up, but when it becomes sinful then God has to deal with it. This mindset of feeling is poisoning my future and my hope of life abundantly. Satan keeps telling me lie after lie to keep me in this web. To think how simple it is to get out; throw off all of the lies, kill off my sin-flesh and take ahold of God's hand waiting for me to pull me out. I am the only one standing between me and freedom. The only one keeping me from accepting God's love and the love of others. I am the only one that is keeping me from right and holy feelings instead of these sinful feelings of lies.

Calling InThe Night

Are you there God,
Or am I just talking to thin air?
-----

I've been through a lot these past two months. A friend of mine completely changed into a dark, hollow shadow of his former self, forsaking his loved ones for selfish pleasures. A girl I liked a lot stepped into the darkness and can never change that part of her life back. I broke (more like destroyed) my resolution less than a week into the new year. Friends around me fall into depression and darkness. People get pregnant before ready, struggle with relationships, fear for the future. All crying out in the night for hope, change, light in this darkness. Questions like "Is this life real or is it a lie?" riddle our subconscious thoughts. Where can we go to get away from all of this pain? What happens when even families have given up? Every one just passes us by. We just long for someone to reach out and care. But we are too busy pushing them away, never wanting them to get too close, afraid to get hurt deeper. Nobody hears us calling in the night. Every phone call to friends are just us wanting to talk but never letting them know why we really called. What really is on our hearts. Why can't they see us hurting and just know, why can't we let them know? Where is hope?

I think I found hope! I found it in a friend. Her husband is being unfaithful, hurtful saying he never even loved her. Going out late at night and doing who knows what. He's moved upstairs in his house. He wants a divorce. The beauty of it all is that God is telling my friend that she needs to stay in this with her husband . God is giving her hope that He will restore this relationship. She is being torn apart, worn down, heart ripped open yet she doesn't give up. She holds on to God with all of her might. She told me that if she wasn't relying on God she would be curled up on her floor crying. I have to ask, what if the person I loved with all my heart suddenly started hating me, all of the love we shared declared never even real. Yet God would give me everything I needed to stay alive and stay strong.

God is telling us we have hope if we hang onto Him. But we have to give Him our everything. We have to be willing to let everything go and place it in His capable hands. I know it can be done. One of my dear friends is doing this and it is so amazing to see God work in her life. I see God in her smile, I see God give her comfort, I see the pain but I also see hope. Whether you are struggling with premarital pregnancy, relationship hardships, breaking up of family, pain and betrayal, feeling real, feeling loved, keeping promises, having hope; just know that God is giving us hope, always.

(credit given to the band Last Day for their song "Calling In The Night" in helping me write this)

Whattest Dwelleth in the Heavens?*

Whattest Dwelleth in the Heavens?*

*What's up?

It has been almost a month since I have written to this blog. I started another blog that focuses on emotions. Since my last post I have grown a lot but if you asked me to tell you how I've grown I couldn't put my finger on it. God is changing me that's for sure. This may sound a bit weird but I'm becoming more intimate with God. The more I read God's words, the more I feel God direct me in life the more I realize I grow deeper in love with Him. This scares me to some extent much how when you go really fast in a relationship it all hits you at once and you feel like running. It's all so overwhelming. After all the God of the universe is loving me like nothing I've experienced before. It is so amazing to feel God. From time to time I can feel God hugging me when I am distressed and a time or two I've even slow danced with Him. I know this sounds crazy. Believe me it sounds crazy to me and I'm almost hesitant to write it but it is truth in how I've felt
God. I'm probably not the first Christian to feel this nor the last but I do pray that sometime in your walk in Christ you will feel this to. God is awesomazing!

All in a days work

I hope to live like this everyday. It is a a challenge I can meet
with God's guidance:

An angel says, "Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what
may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain.
Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice."

1. Pray.

2. Go to bed on time.

3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.

4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that
will compromise your mental health.

5. Delegate tasks to capable others.

6. Simplify and unclutter your life.

7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too
many.

8. Allow extra time to do things and to get places.

9. Pace youself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over
time; don't lump the hard things all together.

10. Take one day at a time.

11. Separate *worries* from *concerns*. If a situation is a concern,
find out what God would have you do and *let go of the anxiety. If you
can't do anything about a situation, forget it.*

12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary
purchases.

13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key
buried in the garden, extra stamps, ect.

14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent
an enormous amount of trouble.

15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.

16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.

17. Get enough rest.

18. Eat right.

19. Get organized so everything has it's place.

20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help you improve your
quality of life.

21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.

22. Every day, find time to be alone.

23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small
problems in the bud. Don't wait untill it's time to got to bed to try
and pray.

24. Make friends with godly people.

25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.

26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is
often a good "Thank you Jesus."

27. Laugh.

28. Laugh some more!

29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.

30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they
can).

31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it most).

32. Sit on your ego.

33. Talk less; listen more.

34. Slow down.

35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the
universe.

36. Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for
that you've never been grateful for before. GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING
THINGS AROUND FOR YOU. "If God is for us, who can be against
us?" (Romans 8:31)

God's mountain

I was recently listening to a song on the radio that helped me to visualize how I am at this time. The song said we must walk through the valley to stand on the mountain of God.

Lately I've been feeling rather dull and fake with God. Yeah I talk to Him but I never really get too personal. Of course I pray about serious stuff but when I do it's usually a quick and very unemotional prayer. "Dear God please help my friend Stephanie. You know what she's going through. Amen." In my heart I feel much more than what I actually present to God. I'm very impersonal in my prayer.

I am standing in a valley of fakeness. In the distance I see God and His mountain but never really feel Him close. I often find myself wondering why I feel so far away from God. I've been so dense recently that I only just realized it's because I'm not taking any steps closer to His mountain.

I'm stuck wanting to be with God and complaining that He doesn't feel close. I'm not doing anything but sitting in this valley and pulling up nearby grass patches out of boredom. Part of it is laziness. I'm comfortable where I'm sitting and don't want to get up, though I complain about being spiritually bothered all of the time. The other part of it, shameful to say is that sin is keeping me from seeing the way to His mountain. Like a thick fog, sins that I commit surround me, blinding me from God's beautiful mountain.

The solution is simple. Get up and walk. Can't see the path? Ask God to give you a light for your path (Bible) and a mighty wind to clear the fog (forgiveness). *You* have to get up and walk though. Yes, climbing a mountain can be tough but God is there to help you when you get there. For now just get up and follow His lead. He knows how to put you back on top again. We must walk through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God.